It’s a weird world to be in when you’re able to spend several weeks deciding whether or not to drop £50 on a haircut but only 15 minutes deciding who you want to live with, isn’t it?
Nevertheless, thanks to the current housing crisis, where shared houses and flats in overcrowded cities are par for the course, choosing to share your living space with a stranger after just one brief meeting isn’t only the norm, it’s become our way of life.
As those of you who’ve experienced the shared house thing will know, these hastily decided house-shares don't always work out. And no wonder – how were you supposed to guess that your new roommate would be a drug fiend who likes to blow off steam by vacuuming at 3am, when you only met them during the ad break for First Dates after a long day of auditioning potential housemates? Anyone can put on a nice and polite face for 15 minutes.
So if you and your housemates have found yourselves in the familiar situation of having a spare room to fill and a whole bunch of applicants to meet, how best to choose the right one to live with after just a brief meeting?
Bear in mind that, most of the time, things are going to work out just fine. In fact, a recent survey from SpareRoom found that 59% of people think strangers tend to make the best flatmates, as opposed to direct friends. And there’s plenty of logic to this; who would you rather have an awkward conversation with about why paying rent is necessary: your pal who you just want to have fun with? Or a stranger you’re likely never to fully click with and feel no responsibility for?
To find out how to pick the right person, though, we decided to look for a little help. Donna Dawson is a behavioural and personality psychologist. We asked her for some tips on how to pick up on hints that your potential new housemate is good material or a total wrong’un, in just 15 minutes.
If you’re meeting a whole bunch of potential housemates in a day, you might be naturally drawn to your friend Sarah’s mate Josh, who you’ve met several times, based on the fact that you know him. But don’t let that be the deciding factor. With people you know, Donna says, you can reach what she calls a “passive plateau” which can get in the way of you sorting out important issues.
“When you think you know each other and then you share a different kind of experience, [like living together],” she says, “things might come out in your friend that you hadn’t bargained on, which can make the friendship difficult because you’re not in a position to say anything.” With a stranger, she says, you get to figure out how to make the situation work from ground zero. “You haven’t got any emotions invested so it’s easier to be honest.”
You’re fun, right? Of course you are. But, being brutally honest, would you really want another version of yourself around you, 24/7? Probably not.
“You can often want a personality that’s very similar to yours and that may be a mistake,” says Donna. What you actually want, she continues, is someone who has the same values as you. This will ensure that what you end up with is a good “lifestyle match and perhaps a similar level of concern about things being left in place, being clean and tidy, respecting each other's space. If someone’s personality is as loud as you, don’t necessarily think that’s going to be a good match!”
Yeah, winging it is cool and everything but for something that’s set to influence your day-to-day living situation in a big way, it’s worth putting a few minutes of preparation into what you're going to say first. “Write down questions that are open-ended that will give you as much information as possible,” advises Donna. “If they’re coming from another flatshare, what didn’t they like about it? What do they regret? What annoyed them?
“‘How would you feel’ questions are very good because then you get a ton of emotional reactions,” Donna says.
Remember in magazines when they used to “read” the body language of a celeb in a picture and “decipher” how they felt about another celeb they were standing next to? Turns out there was actually something in it.
“The thing about body language is that it can tell an awful lot,” says Donna. “If people aren’t telling the truth they get uneasy.” She says they might demonstrate this by rubbing the side of their nose, touching the side of their face, or just under their chin. Change in vocal tone is important, too. “If they start to stammer, or their voice goes higher, they start talking more quickly or slowly, not looking you in the eye… this could be an indication that what they’re telling you is not true.” Although, of course, they could also just be shy.
I mean, don’t be creepy about it. Show them around in a normal way, just be aware of how they react to what you’re telling and showing them. “If someone’s taking the time in every room and asking you questions like ‘Where would my stuff go?’ or ‘When would I be able to use the bathroom?’ – specific questions about the room – they’re picturing themselves in the house and want to know how it’s going to work,” says Donna, adding that she would be wary of anyone who rushes through the tour.
Listen out, too, for specifics. “If they say, ‘I really like what you did with the floors’ rather than just ‘You’ve got a lovely house’, that shows emotional investment and that they’re telling the truth.”
Negative energy is never a good thing to have in a house. Over time it can fester and make your haven, your safe place, into somewhere you’d rather not be. Be aware, then, of people who present a negative attitude about past houses. “It could show they’re going to fall out with people or it could be revealing their intolerances.” Of course, it could be that their last house was a total nightmare but, still, overt negativity is a good thing to clock.
“You kind of have to be an amateur psychologist,” says Donna. “At the end of the day, though, you can only do the best you can do and normal people will reveal something about themselves in a conversation with open-ended questions. Few people are so practised and polished at lying that they could fool other people.”
“Intuition and gut instinct are important too,” says Donna. “Sometimes you just get a feeling about somebody. It might feel uneasy and you don’t know why, or you just get a sense and you click instantly and everything just falls into place. You need to listen to those little voices that tell you one way or another."
One especially good thing? As women, we’re much better at intuition. “It’s the way our brains are wired,” Donna says. “We understand people a lot better than men do. So don’t be afraid to use that!”
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