Every woman, from those blessed with XL breasts to those flat as a board, knows how long it takes to build a relationship with your bra. After getting initially acquainted (boobs, meet bra; bra, meet boobs) you have to invest a lot of patience, money and give or take a few existential crises in lingerie dressing rooms before you can fully appreciate your bra.
From going to your first fitting to taking it off in front of someone for the first time, you’ll go through so much together. We’ve all got history with our bras, but even though at times the branger is real, it’ll always be there to support you… literally.
Whether you wear “my eyes are up here” kinda push-ups, delicate lace bralettes, heavy duty sports bras or bras that can potentially save your life, every woman goes through six relationship stages with her bra.
Buying Your First Bra
Much like getting your period and having your first kiss, buying your first bra is a rite of passage every young girl awaits with a mix of fear, excitement and anticipation.
All your mates seem to have developed fully fledged boobs overnight and you’re still failing the pencil test, but nonetheless you convince your mum to take you bra shopping. Reluctantly she takes you to the department store and you marvel at the beauty of the bra section. You’ve already spotted the perfect bra: it’s lilac, lacy and has a little bow between the cups. It’s. So. Pretty.
But of course your mum says you’re far too young to be wearing a bra like that. She insists on buying you the woebegone nude cotton "sensible" one, which she promises you’ll grow into one day… Nothing to show off to your mates the next day in school.
Illustration by Kiki Ljung
Committing Fashion Faux-Pas
There’s a lot of trial and error when it comes to wearing bras, and learning to don them elegantly yet effortlessly is a big part of that. You can always tell a bra novice apart from a seasoned wearer, thanks to these common no-nos:
– Wearing a racerback top and showing visible bra straps.
– Wearing a white top with a white or coloured bra. The key is to match the bra colour to your skin tone; thank us later.
– Wearing a high-neck top with an unnecessary push-up, hiding the cleavage and giving you quadra-boob *lightning and thunder strike, ominous music plays*
– Wearing a glamorous low-cut dress and ruining it with visible bra band, or even worse, using a see-through plastic strap.
We’ve all been there, and as with any relationship you learn from your mistakes. It takes a lot of bractice (sorry, we had to) and even though reminiscing over those bra fashion faux-pas makes you shudder, you’re a better woman for it...
Illustration by Kiki Ljung
Wanting To Give Up
Big or small boobed, chances are you’ve thought about #FreeingTheNipple at least once. Removing your bra after a long day is the breast feeling in the world (are the bra puns getting annoying?) and it’s enough to make you consider going commando for the rest of your life. You’re willing to go through life with Rachel-from- Friends levels of visible nipple because anything is better than a bra digging into your chest for hours on end.
But no amount of boob tape or stick-on cups can truly keep the girls in place. Plus, the under-boob sweat is not pleasant and the minute you wear something low-cut, one of your mates has to be on constant nipple watch.
Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.
Illustration by Kiki Ljung
Learning You’ve Been Wearing The Wrong Size Bra This Whole Time
Imagine, you go half your life thinking you’ve finally nailed this whole 'wearing a bra' thing and then some headline comes along and says you’ve been wearing the wrong size this whole time. Excuse me?! In fact, almost 80% of women wear the wrong size bra! No wonder they’re so often associated with discomfort.
Ill-fitting bras don’t discriminate. If you’re small-chested, you get slipping straps, rising back bands, and an awkward space between the cup and actual breast. If you have a fuller chest, you get straps that dig into your shoulders, back clasps barely holding it together, and incessant nip slips because the cups always seem to be too small.
It’s hard to admit that we’ve been unknowingly neglecting, if not outright mistreating, our precious boobs for so long and nestling them in something that causes us so much unnecessary branger.
Illustration by Kiki Ljung
Taking Out A Mortgage Just To Buy A New Bra
Just thinking about having to buy a new bra makes your debit card shiver, but your old faithful has finally bitten the dust. The cups no longer fit, there are holes in the lace, it’s stained from that time you spilled red wine, the straps have lost elasticity and the underwire seems to have been designed to poke and prod you incessantly.
It’s time to buy a new one but bras are unfairly expensive, and although you can buy a cheap one, you know a quality bra is a good investment. Spending money on a good bra is a necessary evil all women know too well. Even OG feminists recognised how expensive bras were, and despite the common urban myth they never really burned their bras.
Illustration by Kiki Ljung
Finally Choosing Comfort Over Cleavage
Maybe celebrities have the time and f*cks to duct-tape their boobs in the name of anti-gravity cleavage, but most women CBA to go through all that trouble.
What sense is there in being uncomfortable, restricted and suffocated just so your boobs look bigger/better/different? Your boobs are great the way they are! They deserve true comfort, like the new Sloggi ZERO FEEL. A bra that feels like you’re not wearing anything but provides all the support you need. A bra that doesn’t require adjusting every half hour. A bra that feels like your breasts are being cupped by clouds while simultaneously feeling like you have nothing on. How does it do that? Magic! Or, you know, technology and innovation.
You’re not a fully fledged adult woman until you’ve reached this point of enlightenment and give yourself the care and comfort you truly deserve. Screw the male gaze, f*ck gravity and welcome to your new, unfastened life with no wires, no clasps, no red marks and no itchy material slowly driving you insane. Bra nirvana!
Illustration by Kiki LjungLike what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
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